I really didn’t want to write this one
On following through, even when motivation is low and all the hard emotions are high
Meaningful work is worth doing, regardless of the outcome.
Meaningful work is worth doing, regardless of the outcome.
Meaningful work is worth doing, regardless of the outcome.
I am capable of being a reliable person.
I am capable of being a reliable person.
I am capable of being a reliable person.
My heart is broken, because my dad died (and he died and he died and he died. three times before he actually died.)
My heart is broken, because my dad died.
My heart is broken because the world is sad sometimes.
My heart is grateful, because I had a dad, and he was wonderful.
My heart is grateful because I have family and friends, and friends that feel like family, and they are all wonderful.
My heart is grateful, because grief is an emotion that shows us how deeply we loved someone.
My heart is grateful, because I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, and a job to go to tomorrow.
I am grateful and surprised that I am here, writing again, and keeping myself alive, even on a day where I felt like I was standing on the edge of my soul’s cliff, screaming endlessly into the abyss. It would be so easy to jump off into nothingness. so easy to jump
off
into
nothingness.
but instead, here I am again. Holding a lantern into my own darkness—a lantern made of the love and care and affection of everyone I’ve ever known and loved, and everyone who has ever known and loved me. and also this blog. this blog is now part of my lantern.
this is all we have, really. work that feels like it comes from our hearts and the knowledge that at the end of the world, we will be left standing together. Maybe we will lose everything, but at least we will have each other.
“Hello my love, how are you?”
“I am floating in a sea of every possible emotion you can imagine. Continuing my life project of building myself a boat, so I can find my way to shore.”
“Where are you planning to go in your boat? What kind of sanctuary do you want to find?”
“To me, sanctuary is found in people who hold each other through both joy and sorrow.
I'm heading north, to be with people who feel like home, in a place where I can live among trees and swim in a frigid ocean.
I'm going somewhere where I can lay on the ground, look up and sees stars, and know that I am never truly alone, because the universe is vast and full of miracles.”
“That sounds nice. I’ll meet you there.”
Happy father’s day, dad. I miss you.
These words are perfect.